Parking Garage 101

Where I work, I have to use a 7 story parking garage. I like to park in a certain spot no matter what floor I have to go to. It’s easy to back into (I like to face forward), it’s next to a wall (so there’s less chance that my car will get dinged) and I never lose my car (except for not remembering what floor I’m on). And every day as I search for said spot, I pass at least 5 cars that make me scratch my head and ask “what were they thinking?”

First, there’s the Bulldog; the 4 door SUV (think Escalade, Tahoe, Hummer) that parks in the compact car spaces. And it’s not like they’re honest enough to acknowledge their car doesn’t fit by blatantly taking up 2 spaces; they actually park in the center of one space but their cars are so wide their tires sit on the lines. So unless they use their sunroof as an entry/exit point, or they step onto their neighbor’s car roof and use their truck like a staircase, then there is NO way the average body can exit/enter said vehicle if anyone else is parked next to them.

Second, there’s the Yosemite Sam; the extended cab, extended bed truck that parks in the end spot at the turn. So not only do you have worry to about making a turn that was built for a Yugo, but you have to worry about who’s coming around the blind corner on your side of the lane while swinging out even wider than your supposed to so you won’t scrape the side of your car with some truck’s bumper. And don’t get me started on the extra-long hitch that is likely on said truck.

Third, there’s the VIP; the car that parks in the space next to the no parking zone but they only park partly in the parking space and partly in the no parking zone. Those white or yellow stripes are paining on the ground to indicate a zebra crossing. They’re usually to block of an area to increase safety around pedestrians, the handicapped or near doors or entry ways.

Fourth, there’s the Linebacker; aka the car that pulls into a space and doesn’t care if the wheels are inside the lines. Where they come from, lines are for enemy crossings and they’re not going to be caught on the defense. This is probably the same person whose Mother encouraged them to park in front of the door or in handicap parking spaces if you’ll “only be a minute”.

And last but not least, you have the Tease. Now this might just be the most interesting animal I’ve yet to come across. It’s the car that starts to pull into a space but they stop halfway…halfway in and halfway out. I can understand that sometimes it’s hard to judge how close you are to a wall or another car. But when you get out and see that 5 feet of your car is still in the driving lane and people are having to wait single file to get around your car, dude, jump back in and pull up some more!

So, now that we have identified the offenders, lets discuss the rules, shall we? After all, parking is a privilege not a right. And in order to keep your privilege, you should concede to certain rules:

1. When you enter a parking garage, turn your headlights on. Not only does it increase what you can see, it increases the chance others see you (which is really what I mean because I know what I’m doing and I’m betting you don’t).

2. Drive slowly. Space is so tight as it is that we don’t need to perform calculus to determine if you have time to stop before you hit someone. Children can dart out in front of you in an instance. (and guys…security’s Segway thingy can squeal a tire in a parking garage if the situation is right so it doesn’t help to establish your manhood)

3. When you are preparing to pull into a parking space, indicate said action using a turn signal. And if you’re going to execute a 5 point turn to get into a parking space, wave others by so that they don’t have to wait on you (who are we kidding, if you need to make a 5 point turn to get into a parking space, you just need to go directly to the top of the garage where there are no cars to deal with)

4. Lines are boundaries, not suggestions. Otherwise they’d be penciled in and not painted on. If you can’t keep it between the lines (even the imaginary one that indicates the length of the space)…then sell it, pawn it, donate it to Goodwill, or do the right thing and just leave the keys in it and post in on Craigslist. Driving amongst society is not for you! Two words….public transportation my friend.

I’m just sayin’