As I was driving home yesterday, I started thinking about when I would see Charlie that night. Aunt Bim was keeping him for the day and Mom and Dad were bringing him home. There wasn't a definitive plan, just a request that he be home by 7:30pm so we could put him to bed. I started thinking about his little face and how it would light up when he saw us. He would smile a big grin and then shyly turn away and look back and smile again. He does it like clock work now. Then I started thinking about Mom and Dad driving him home and how they would have to travel on the highway. And on that highway there would be big cars, little cars, fast cars, slow cars, maybe wrecked cars or broken down cars. There might even be a drunk car. What if something happened to them? What if the last time I saw my little boy's face was this morning when I kissed him goodbye as I left for work. What if the last time I hugged him was at 5am when I fed him and put him back in his crib. What if the last time I saw his smile was the night before when we played in the floor. What if?
As all these thoughts started going through my head, I began to cry. For suddenly I realized that in the short 15 1/2 weeks that he's been in my life, I have loved him enough to fill the universe. And if something happened to him, my heart couldn't stand it. My world would be torn apart. Then I started thinking about all the parents who had lost their children. Some had years with them, some days, some just moments. Some never got to see them at all. I can't imagine the pain a parent feels when they loose a child. I can only say that the thought of something happening to my Charlie makes me sad beyond belief.
Dad says this feeling never goes away for a parent. He says I will live the rest of my life worrying about Charlie and my heart will ache along the way. Every trip to Grandma's, every time I leave him at daycare, every time he walks out the door, every time he drives away...my heart will ache until he returns.
Mommy loves you Charlie!
this made me cry!
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